Minutiæ: September 2003

I stared up at the sky, as I walked down the street. Not a cloud in sight. The stars were as plentiful as they could be in this bright suburban environment. My lucky stars were out tonight. I thanked them, as I turned to see the Jeep driving past, and then I waved goodbye. I quickened my pace and headed to the afterparty with a half-grin on my face.

I'm too tired to give a real good account of it all. I don't really even wanna bother. Just let it be known that I liked Homecoming because the dance ended up being better than I expected, and that I had a good night with Megan. (I hate dances--last one I went to was in 7th or 8th grade.) And let it be known, that prior to this point, I really didn't think it was possible to turn every single song (rap, techno, rap, rap, gangsta rap, and slow dancing music) into a slow dance song. That and the song Sandstorm isn't highly appreciated by the DJs anymore.

In the words of Celebrity Deathmatch, "Good Fight, Good Night."

Two balloons float up into a partly cloudy, starlit sky. I stare in wonder as they float away into forever. The night is done. Long day. I'm home. But looking up at the clouds and stars, I just can't help but think... It would've all been better with her around, wouldn't it? ...Silent, "stare up at the sky" moments like these are moments you have to share with someone special like that, I guess.

Being at the party tonight, it wasn't so bad... For a while. The slow sappy songs really got to me after a while, though. I really started to miss her...

-I'm writing in this dreamy, sappy style on purpose tonight. I feel like flushing my system of it before I sleep.-

Yesterday, I "napped" from like, 6 until 9:30... Then I proceeded to get myself ready for bed and slept from 10:15 until 6:30 in the morning.

Awakening, I could hear the rain, the thunder, the wind. It was gonna be a fun day. I love bad weather, provided it doesn't damage anything--it's so interesting and such a sight to behold. It's almost beautiful--actually to me, it is. It's like a night sky: to some it's dark, dreary, and scary, but to me it's tranquil, peaceful, beautiful, and humbling.

It started with me, rushing out the door to get to school, grabbing my backpack and an umbrella before heading out. My car sat out in the rain. The sunroof leaks. The windows were open. But again, I was rushing out. I made it soaked, all the way to school, before I realized that I hadn't grabbed something. My ID. It didn't make much of a difference except like 5 bucks that I'll pay the school some time later.

I had tests for my first three classes. I did nothing for the other three.

The Pep Assembly was decent. I sat in the senior class section, because I was sitting with some friends. I'll post pics of this, and maybe the party, later.

I came out, ranting to myself about how such an event--to celebrate Homecoming and rally the school behind our football team--was centered around building up tension, competition, and basically hatred between the classes. Heh.

Later, I helped out a bit with the party. Like, I had to run out in the pouring rain, help unload a ton of ice, bring down the cake, and then drive to the florist to buy flowers, and then drive to their house to look for the camera, drive back because I couldn't find it, drive back to the house because I was supposed to look for it, and then drive back without finding it again, only to learn that they had it there the whole time....

I saw a bunch of people I recognized from school, which shouldn't have surprised me, but did. Eh... I'll leave it with this.

Me: Dude.
Me: So I was at this party earlier today.
Me: And....yeah.
Chris: Uh huh.
Chris: Who's party.
Me: You know how like, those situations where you're friends with someone, and you're left with some of their friends?
Me: Oh, a friend of mine. We're practically cousins. Known her since forever.
Chris: Yeah.
Chris: Cool.
Me: Anyway, that akward situation was teh WHOLE party.
Me: I was acquainted with some of the people.
Me: But that only made it worse.
Chris: Why didn't you introduce yourself to them.
Chris: Then like make witty commentary on whatever they were talking about.
Me: It would've been smoother if I didn' tknow them in the first place.
Me: I did.
Chris: At parties where you don't really know anyone.
Chris: You have to be kinda obnoxious and outspoken.
Chris: More of the latter.
Me: lol
Me: Well, I kinda sorta knew some of the people.
Me: Which killed all spirit of doing the outspoken thing.
Chris: Oh whatever
Chris: You're shy by nature, aren't you?
Me: Yeah.
Me: Rediculously.

Tomorrow's Homecoming, much to my...happiness? I dunno. I've been going sorta insane for the past few, just because of it. At least it's here, and I'll be with her, and even though stuff can go wrong, it'll never ruin my inner drive, my inner focus.

"Baby, baby, baby, when all your love is gone, who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world? And maybe, maybe, maybe, you'll find something that's enough to keep you, but if the bright lights don't recieve you, you should turn yourself around and come on home..."
-"Bright Lights", by Matchbox Twenty

A bit from last night, regarding homecoming:

Me: Ther'es still a ton of things I haven't finalized for it yet...
Me: Like actually seeing when they'll give me my outsider ticket... (I'm worried, lol.) And then what to wear... And then dinner....
Me: lol
Me: ^_^
Me: lol, I have the rest of th week to figure it out.
Me: Hm... But a part of me tells me that I'll be saying that until Thursday.
Me: Heh.
Megan: lol, mike-chan, I swear, 1) don't bother with dinner at all 2) Burger King

This morning, I woke up a few minutes late, took a shower fast, and was sitting at the table eating breakfast. I stared at the calendar on the wall across the kitchen. Here's a basic step-by-step example train of thought:

1. Hm... Calendar.
2. Friday.
3. Saturday.
4. Homecoming.....
5. Shit, gotta dress fancy, gotta get everything together, outsider ticket, scheduling, dinner...
6. Dinner--"I swear, 1) don't bother with dinner at all 2) Burger King"
7. Burger king... lol... ^_^
8. *laugh*

For some reason, that random thought this morning put my day off to a good start, although I did wake up late and felt really really tired this morning for some reason. (I didn't sleep late at all.) I let out a chuckle, smiled to myself, and finished breakfast. Just a little thing like that one line, seemed to make the day--or at least the start of it.

Leading me to a current thought. Just a little blurb. You know, you have those nights where you lie in bed sleepless, and it's all dark and tranquil, nothing but the occasional sound of the wind or rain outside. And those mornings where it's all calm and bright, as everything starts to stir. Moments like those are lonely, simply because it's the only times of day I really seem to be cut off from the world, yet moments like those seem so...picturesque? Cliche? Beautiful? Well, so deep, that it's like those moments really have to be shared with someone to get something out of it.

I love it when the sun comes out amidst dark clouds and seems to light the ground up with an almost eerie light. I love sunset. I love the night sky and the stars. And I really seem to love thunderstorms and the dark gloomy clouds; there's something about them that's just awesome. (link: Sky Photos)

Like I said. Little things seem to make life better. Not all the time, but day-in and day-out, there's some human factor in us that makes little things motivate us.

Yay. I'm talking all profound and sappy again. Some days I'm a poet, some days I'm a bitchy pissed off madman, some days I'm just boring. It happens.

It's been forever since I've rambled, eh? Well, I don't seem to have much to say when I'm on the computer, 's all. I've got a ton of deep thoughts that I swear would be perfect for here, except I just don't have that train of thought when I'm here.

Saturday's Homecoming. 4 days. Heh... I'm so screwed. I think that's maybe the one guaranteed thing of this week. ^_^;;

Anyways... I was drawing a bit earlier today, and realized that fleshing out my characters was the thing I needed to write a story first off. So I'm going back to my story-writing, and seeing what that'll get me. It's continually on-going and stuff.

Well, I've been a slacker since.... Well, a few years. And it's been working, solely because my school doesn't seem to give the uber amounts of homework that should really be preparing me for college. Then again, I'm not so sure much of the school is serious about going to a serious academic college or such. Heh. And obviously, I can't do anything to help those in the complete inverse situation--too much work with teachers who absolutely don't care about how much you have.

Memories... I seem to recall old childhood memories in the third person. These are memories where I'm the kid with the ol' bowl cut and stuff. Like, back-in-the-day childhood. I not only see the friends or relatives I was around, but I see myself, through some sort of alternate point of view. Usually, it's some misc. floating point of view like a perfectly placed camera, a la the movies.

Excuse the breakage of train of thought. In the past 20 minutes (it's now 11:21p), I've basically gone back and forth between this and conversing with a bunch of people. Also, it doesn't help that I'm in a restless mood, but the words are really escaping me. I seem to have no short term memory--I can't really remember what I said, 5 seconds after it's typed. And due to the circumstances of conversations, my train of thought shifts VERY fast. Hence, you're getting pieces of various different rambles, all at once.

There appears to be a tradeoff between effort put into school work, and capacity of school work. Too much homework means you can't get enough sleep. The amount of sleep you get, I believe, directly affects your mind's capacity to work during waking hours. Too much effort with too little capacity may help you learn to deal with stress, but the situation itself is a problem. Too little effort also costs a bit down the road, because I believe stress isn't experienced well until later, and a later jump to a higher workload (in college or such) would hurt. Aye.

Tired... Testing out Dreamweaver for some easier WYSIWYG posting of the blog, just because sometimes I'm too lazy to go and do it by hand. Mmmhmm.

Blah. Off to nap for a few hours.

I seem to be living in my own world, apart from everyone else's. Not just in a mental/emotional sense, but in a much larger, profound sense.

Everyone lives and grows up differently. But I'm just now realizing how charmed my life's been in too many ways. I take too much for granted. What I complain about, some people would actually wish to have a piece of.

Take school for example. I complain that I can sleep in half my classes and pull straight A's, getting a weighted 4.167 GPA. I complain that my classes are so boring that that's why I fall asleep. I spoke of wanting more work, but I've heard from more than a handful of people (MSAers and random people I know online) that they wished they had more of my position.

I hate to admit it, but I always seem to never be in a position to complain. (As much as I do, it's hard to figure out.) Whenever I seem to, someone else always seems to make one little note about a problem of theirs that, in my eyes, massively out-does mine.

Posted on http://www.diabloii.net: (article link)

"It seems video games and their effects on the young is under scrutiny by Miami attorney Jack Thompson again, after two teenagers open fired on traffic with a rifle killing a man and badly injuring a woman. It's claimed they were acting out Rockstar's Action title Grand Theft Auto. GTA iss a fairly gory title, hence the Mature 17+ rating slapped on by ESRB. Interestingly, this news brings to light another case he appears to be preparing to fight. That of a 14 year old boy who stabbed his aunt to death just hours after playing Diablo. Mr Thompson feels that connection is 'hugely significant', even though it looks as if the child could have been sleepwalking at the time.

"You can follow Mr Thompson's efforts on his site, stopkill, here. Thanks to Mark Philip Rennie for the story alert."

Hah. I even went over to browse a bit of stopkill.com. "Its purpose now is to give you the means to contact Miami attorney Jack Thompson if you know of someone harmed by violent entertainment, including video games."

Aww, man. I think I need to turn in my dad's brother's daughter's boyfriend's uncle's 5 year old neice, who stabbed someone with scissors 10 minutes after playing "rock paper scissors".

That site's a bunch of beaurocratic bullshit. "Entertainment giant Sony has recently announced that it will not distribute these murder simulation games to Japanese children, but such games are "appropriate" for American and European kids. Isn't that nice?" Anyone ever think of "target audiences"? GTA was built to appeal to American audiences. Obviously, I have a bone to pick against Jack Thompson now. He's on my "list", as they say. Oh man, time to whip out the Halo to practice my sniping.

I'm rethinking the blog thing here. Gonna go back to that thing where I don't ramble so much and start writing about what's going on, because I mean, I have my thoughts written down, but I don't really have a record of the shit that's happening to me.

I said I wasn't gonna keep this thing anymore...and I really don't think I am...the whole concept is stupid really...broadcasting my thoughts and feelings on the internet, not like anyone reads them anyway.

Mmmm! I've thought like that, many a day. But I'm far too bored, and my mind races in random directions all the time. And I've actually developed a liking to write shit down. I can think in my head "shit shit shit, fuck blah blah" and when I type it down, it's even more insane and obnoxious. Also, there's those ramblings that do seem to make sense and logic and stuff.

I wrote a long rambling for 45 minutes, and then accidentally lost it. So I said "screw this" and I'll write about that later.

Fuck. I just now realized the implications of starting to post to blog again. I have to hold my thoughts back, yet again, because I'll end up angering people in the end. Or because there's something personal, not only about me, but about someone else, that they probably didn't want revealed to the rest of the world. Fuck fuck fuck... I don't want to go back and bother to edit posts again. Just a few quick edits.

If you find something in here that you didn't appreciate me mentioning, let me know. I hate it when other people talk behind my back as well. The intention of this blog isn't to talk behind people's backs or hurt them or reveal something secret about them. It's to show me and my faults, not theirs. If you see a problem with that, you know... ASAP.

Really, it's Sep.13 already. I'm writing this up as a late supplement.

I've not been blogging, because of a written journal I've started keeping. I'd love to end up uploading it, just not now. I've got a 60mb PDF file of it all scanned already. I don't feel like transcribing it all, though. Here's a couple good ones, though:

Sep.02.2003 10:54p

We know we're both thinking and sounding different now. It was weird when we both admitted it. We're not the love-ish romantic types, for sure.

Well, I've been under the weather with a little sore throat. Hoping to see the sun come out soon.

Still, to this moment, I'd rather be back there on Saturday. Right now, nothing to that point mattered as much, and not much after has. I think I've found a sort of significance to life.

It's gotten sooo old after telling everyone about Saturday. I almost forget the feeling. Then, I take a time out, imagine her in my arms, holding hands, talking in that dimly-lit gazebo.

It's so sappy it can't be me. You can't say it without sounding that way. It's like... At that moment, there was this comfortability and warmth all mixed with uncertainty and general shyiness or fear. At the Botanical Gardens--how much more romantic does it get?

Saturday, September 13. Septemberfest at my school. I already planned for it. Now I'm torn. We want to meet up with each other again.

Flipping through the MSA Notebook/Journal, I realized just now, how much I've written about love and why I write. Recap:

July 8, 10pm

• "It's less of a public log of "what I'm doing" as much as a public showing of a private journal. Kurt Cobain's journal, Hitler's Mein Kampf, etc... They're all quite popular. If I ever impact the world years from now, will it matter to people what I was thinking about some dark, dreary evening? I don't care. My dad has a terrible memory of stuff earlier in the week. I wanna keep thoughts for posterity."

July 10, 12:41a

• "(I've had 2 bottles of beer, and I should really be going to sleep right now.)

  "Love, I say, should be looked at vageuly. Not in solely the "love at first sight" sense or the romantic "true love" sense, but different levels of love, like caring for someone/something or being emotionally attached to someone/something."

July 12, 11pm

• "Once again, let me say: I'm a dreamer. Even on short 30min car trips, I find myself zoning out and contemplating deeper things. (Most obvious example: love.)

  "Haven't experienced it, haven't really seen "true love", but I think the world needs more of this thing called "love". Does it even exist? How is it defined?"

July 31, 8:49am

• "Anyway, love for me became these simple things. It's on a basic level, but I think it counts.
  1. Being comfortable around the person.
  2. Respect and a liking for the person.
  3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
  4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.
  "After figuring that, love doesn't seem so deep and mysterious, really. It's a lot of comfortability, confidence, respect, needs/wants/care, and personality..."

August 2, 2am

• "This comes from someone who hasn't had a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, ever. But I've observed enough, felt enough, heard enough, and thought enough about it, that I'm at least guessing. A bunch of my closest friends don't believe in love--zip, nada, zilch, zero, nothing. Some of them are even completely closing themselves off from even the chance that it exists. "It doesn't exist, I don't ever believe it'll happen, and I won't ever give into it (if it does)." On the other hand, I've got a friend who, over the summer whilst I was gone, found someone perfect for him, completely turning his life around. He's moving away pretty soon, and the thing just completey perfected his life...."

August 7, 3am

• From the movie, "Adaptation":
  • "You are what you love. Not what loves you."
  "It's so awesome, brilliant, simple, and right. Think about it for a while. You know the kind of thing where people keep apologizing for some mistake or shortcoming, a mistake or such that you didn't even notice until it was brought up? Or where you try your hardest to be helpful and friendly, but no one pays any attention to it, and then finally someone tells you that they like what you're doing? If you keep on going on doing what you like/love, and just follow your own path, someone, I believe, should be out there that will appreciate it..."

Pure irony, that the more I thought of it, the more I never believed I'd have something like it at this point in my life. Right now, I'm matching my definition of love, to what I've been thinking as of late, to Merriam-Webster's definition...

My Definition on July 31

1. Being comfortable around the person.
2. Respect and a liking for the person.
3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.

Merriam-Webster's Definition (only related ones):

(as a noun)

1. (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties "maternal love for a child" (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests "love for his old schoolmates"
2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion "love of the sea"
3. the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration "baseball was his first love"
4. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others

(as a verb)

1. to hold dear : CHERISH
2. a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : CARESS (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with
3. to like or desire actively : take pleasure in "loved to play the violin"
4. to thrive in "the rose loves sunlight"

I haven't blogged or at least typed up thoughts in forever, so here's a chance to start something anew.

I can't sleep. I don't want to as long as I've got these thoughts in my head and an opportunity to do something with it.

I'm always concerned for her, because she's stressed and frustrated about school. I've got it so damn easy, that I also feel guilty that I can't say or do much to make her feel better, except for generalized statements or distractions from work. She's concerned for me because I'm the one that's driving, and it's all me and my family doing the work at the moment. She's guilty because she can't do anything about it at the moment, and she's concerned because of the risks involved with me driving down I-270 every weekend or so. And her parents won't drive her as often as my parents will.

She broke up with Andy, with little fanfare. (Except a little joking around from her friend Matt.) So we're kinda officially together now, I guess. I still can't believe that I'm the cause of this situation. Even though deep in my mind, I think I probably liked her first. Let's play upon that note.

Back at MSA, at the Alumni Day Dance, she was all excited to have Andy around and spend time with him. I let her have her time, and I was pretty contentious and respectful of them, I guess. Part of me was jealous or something. It's that part that envies someone who has something you want but can't have. Some sort of random thing struck my heart that night.

Later that week, we had the night under the rain, if I remember correctly. (Might have been the prior week.) Megan said she liked me kinda throughout MSA, but that was the one moment when it hit her, and she realized she liked me. I don't know when it hit me. But somehow, it only glazed the surface of me, and I avoided it as much as I could. I ended up liking her as a friend at the end of MSA, and we promised we'd keep in touch.

Boomba hey, a month and such later. Pre-reunion. I randomly brought up the idea that I could carpool some of us down to Columbia, because it'd be fun and conservative. Oh sure, we joked around about how she'd cuddle on my shoulder and whatnot. But that night, when she laid her head down on my shoulder and slept, and held my arm like a pillow of sorts.... Aye, that has to be probably the moment that it hit me that I liked her. She even recalls little things from that night, like how Kenny wanted to wake her up to call home because we were almost at the Zoo, and I was like "Nah, give her a little longer." She wasn't that asleep after all, eh? It's really odd because I didn't really think anything of it and forgot about it, until I spoke about that night with her. I really don't think anything of my politeness and caring kindness stuff; it's who I am, and I really don't notice, because on most occasions, I don't really go out of my way to do it.