Minutiæ: 2004

Finished applying to Wash. U., because I got tired of sitting on it. It was actually complete, I just hadn't edited it 1040914 times yet. So I glanced over it and submitted it when I had Mom proofread it, too. (I forgot to get my rec form from O'Hearn (counselor) the day of school, though. She said she'd have it and give it to me Friday if I stopped by, which I totally forgot to do.)

Have read a mere 53 pages out of 880 of The Brothers Karamazov... The pages have small fonted text and many more lines than any other book on the AP Lit list... Why must I persist on making things difficult for myself? Ah, but Dostoevsky (and the translators) have such good writing style for someone like me. It's like reading my blog, at times, except without all angst, and more story-like. Really what I mean to say is that he writes in what seems to be stream of conciousness--but everything's really part of the story--and he seems to go into distant tangents--but they all tie in to whatever point he's making at the moment. So yeah. It is similar to but nowhere near the same as the incoherence of my blog--he's quite coherent most of the time, although the style and context and complexity seem to make it hard to see it.

1 page of Brothers Karamazov is like maybe 1.5-2 pages of Catch-22. And the issue there is that Catch-22 was only one hundred something pages.

Therefore, I shouldn't be wasting my time with this book. Though I most definitely am. But it's not due until 15 or 17 January, anyway.

Started meddling around with Java again after a good (more than) two week hiatus. Tried getting GCJ to work (doesn't do byte code, just makes a straight machine code executable which is cool) and failed.

Tried using KDE for a few days as my desktop environment... I use too many GTK-based programs for the KDE spiffy UI stuff to work well... So I switched back to Gnome today. Don't get me wrong, KDE is very pretty (next paragraph), but I can't tear myself away from Firefox (Konquerer sucks) or GAIM (Kopete wouldn't even run) or Thunderbird. Therefore, 80% of my application usage wouldn't even have the spiffy effects anyway. So I decided to just give up on it.

("KDE is very pretty..." - all menus (the "start menu" and all file/edit/view menus) can have transparency, the window borders are more customizable, and everything seems more... skinnable. More available skins for KDE, and they do more advanced things.)

I should also work in advance on the honors problem for Calc, seeing as she told us what she was going to give us the Monday we get back. (Prove the derivatives for the inverse trig functions (arccos, arcsin, etc.), if I remember correctly.)

Concert kicked ass. So bad.

Friday night was indeed quite the high. But on that note, Saturday was the hangover. I mean, maybe until 1pm I still had some energy and insanity in me from the prior evening. But heh, the rest of the day felt like I was dragging my body along. Mentally I was generally okay, but that didn't help me from zoning out when my body processes weren't feeling up to spec. But anyway.

What is it with people that captivates them to do stupid things? Fucking around--literally--or drinking/smoking or randomly stealing (and various other illegal acts) or driving fast and stupid? I mean, Megan (among others) bitches about this all the fucking time.

The question of the day was "Why the hell would you do something so stupid like moshing, where you could probably end up injured?" And many several things that more or less throw me on the level of moron, which I would GLADLY take and accept as my own responsibility for myself.

The vague idea I've had is that this stupid random stuff, stuff that's most normally defiant of common sense... It's in the feeling, not the logic. It's in the rush, the thrill of the moment. Certain people know the feeling where you're detached all of a sudden and nothing else matters. Cross Country runners speak of their "runners high" where you zone out and just run, without any regard for pain. I think it's something like that.

Sore as I am today (most of the soreness actually from standing around, not from the moshing), it was all worth it. What--so I risk my health and shit for a while. In my opinion, it's not that dangerous (especially at the Pageant where they're really locked down on things--security actually grabbed me by the chest because you aren't supposed to mosh not in the pit but a bunch of people were and I joined in). Er... Well, the risk itself is part of what makes it feel as it does. Jostling about in the midst of strangers to good music, practically taking flight as you go... Actually, I just feel like shutting up right now because this just doesn't cut it. It's stupid. But that rush of adrenaline is something that's not normally felt; and it feels pretty good.

It's possible to feel the emphasis of a kiss.

Tonight, saying goodbye, I guess I could say she um... was into it? (God, you have no idea how much hesitation comes with writing like this.) But as I said earlier, there's conflict in me. i.e. I read into everything and then there's the fact that I argue with myself interally over opposing viewpoints. It felt like she was more into it than usual... Was it just her feeling that way? Or was it a kiss out of sympathy or something? Or was it like, her being sorry for her saying/doing things today?

My lower lip was cut a tiny bit when I was moshing, and it's been hurting most of the day. Regardless of everything, it felt so good to have her kiss it better. Regardless of if she meant things that way or not, regardless of if she knew that I cut the lip.

Megan doesn't believe in love, so she won't use that word with me. She has so much trouble with expressing feelings that she just doesn't. When she does, she won't do it verbally because primarily her trouble is with that, it's more of a matter of actions.

I don't care if she doesn't call it love, but she likes me and her expression of that is I guess the fundamental part of relationships of young people. She relies more on action and feeling than words. Okay. Is it something that I don't believe I don't feel from her as much nowadays, except in cases where it's almost looking for sympathy?

But yet, I don't want to say it and would rather bite my tongue over it, lest I sound perverted or something. And just the same, I cannot bring myself to ask anyone to be anyone but themselves.

I mean, I wish I could feel from her more. She doesn't believe in love or anything. And there she goes, rambling about how much she loves Shanks, Koyasu, Lex Luthor, Draco Malfoy, oh and Viggo, too. Yes, I'm jealous. I don't hear her talking about me. She says she does, but not in front of me. I take her word for it with the issue that I often wonder what she says; I think of this as she goes on about Lex. But nay, I can't get any help from anyone.

Okay, so maybe she won't express her feelings for me verbally. Then well... Sometimes I want to feel from her more, then. Her arm around mine, or her hand on my chest, or her soft touch on my face. Or rubbing/massaging my shoulders and back--that's my favorite thing, heh, but I never want to ask because I hate asking favors of anyone.

Fact is, I know she feels for me, because she was concerned for me throughout the night. And besides, she was with her friends, so I shouldn't really fret about her words and actions there.

And there's the part where she ran up to me when I was watching Glenn play that ambulance game at SAFT, and where she ran up to me when I was playing chess with Glenn. Both cases involved her giving me a hug and a kiss and checking if I was alright, and unspoken words of concern about my feelings. It's just really bad that I was partially zoned out and negative feeling most of the time... She was really doing good, and it helped me a bit, but I don't know why I get like this/that.

We said goodbye as my car idled, doing it's automatic revving thing to warm itself up. (It does this really bad sounding thing where it revs up and down over and over for maybe 5 minutes until the oil/engine temperature is warm enough.) We said goodbye with a smile, the same old feelings of compassion as always.

I have issues with control. At least, control over my life.

I mean, if I don't have plans, then I intend not to have plans unless you know, an emergency or a really good reason or good idea comes up. (i.e. heart attack, Ameristar, or Megan's house) If I do have plans, as ill-conceived as they are, I want to keep them. Hence my irritation at my father's knack to jump on us with "plans" he had that he happened not to tell us.

At least, I think that's a good excuse or rationalization to my irritation to what my dad does to me.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The next 5 years of my life are TOTALLY dependent on what's taken place since October started and through February. I submitted the MIT application moments ago, with a godspeed and a prayer.

At least on the MIT part, my fate is not in my hands anymore. What comes out of that decides my future. It's crazy to think that one packet of papers weighs so much on your life. But it's true--and it's not in my hands anymore.

-----

You can read my application essay. I think I did better than some other people did.

And a big thank you, thank you, thank you, to Karen, Steve Slagg, Tony, Mitulski, and Megan, for reading and replying by the end of the night. Definitely had enough input to tweak the weakest parts. Though I didn't fix some things because I preferred natural tone opposed to "perfection". I mean, I wanted to sound me. heh.

[An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?]

Variety is the spice of life, or so people say. If my life were a meal—if I were say, a steak—then the flavor of my life would best be described by the people around me. The people in my company are in effect, the sauce that tops my life. Alone, meat is often lacking in taste. However, a sauce can marinade and top the item, bringing out inherent taste while adding totally new flavors.

If one could imagine, for a moment, the best steak sauce in the world; many would hold high the traits of a sauce somewhat sweet, somewhat tangy, with a decent amount of thickness, and a good level of spice. Something bold that delivers a brilliant variety to one's palate. Delivering variety in the flavor itself, and making this a recursive analogy, of sorts. Variety is crucial to many things in life and has an ability to rear itself in many aspects of the world.

I was born in New Jersey and raised in central Missouri and suburban St. Louis. The variety of people and places I've seen and interacted with is astounding. My best friend lives fifteen minutes north of my house, and my first and only girlfriend lives about an hour south. My family hails from the Philippines and I have spent time in Germany as well. Close friends of mine live from Arizona, to South Carolina, to New Jersey, to Canada, and have lived for weeks at a time in urban centers, rural locales, and foreign lands. I interact with many people from different lifestyles so frequently, that I enjoy hearing opinions that are totally new to me.

The lessons one learns and the morals one sees and the different lives experienced in an environment like this enhance one's upbringing so much. I was given the opportunity to view life from many perspectives and choose my own path. It's similar to the philosophy that to understand the world, you must understand yourself, though an inverse to it. Everyone should think through different eyes once in a while and comprehend themselves from the outside. Without experiences like this, people become static and intolerant. We become homogeneous and slowly turn stale, tasteless. To truly bring out one's inherent flavor, one must absorb the collective juices of the world around them.

It's the variety of my life that drives me to innovate. New people, new places, new ideas, all fuel society. Freshness, growth, and rebirth, fuels life itself. Changes must happen for things to continue to take their course—whether it be in mother nature or in the bowels of a busy society. Through all of my limited experience, I've found that the best philosophy is to follow what I believe is right and to work that feeling into fruition. I believe that change and variety are crucial to growth, and therefore I want to make my future as bright as possible by pushing myself to fresh things.

Without variety and change, things quickly become boring. I often dip and dab in many things at a time, not anchoring myself to any one direction or concept at a time, because of this. I once described myself as a vagrant—wandering aimlessly. However, I see now that there was and is an aim. I want to know what every angle feels like, so I can find the right one for me and understand others at the same time. I want to have done for the satisfaction of having done. I want to have done for the satisfaction of having felt what others feel. It is harmony that I see in variety. Beauty and order, reaching through chaos and entropy.

Like a proper spice that adds proper boldness to a meal, I want to use what flavors I have to add to the world around me.

So like, I slept part of the afternoon, but still. It's like no one who was on wanted to talk and. That's just out of the few that were on. It's like everyone deserted the internet for a day. They should've CC'd me the memo.

And apparantly we have a 4.5 day weekend coming up. Good shift from October which was a straight block of school days until almost the end of the month. Hrm... It's going to be interesting planning what to do. I wonder if Megan's working on Saturday? Convention tells me the chances are 90%+, and thus I'm a fucking moron for taking chances like I do. (i.e., I have to leave the house at 6:30 to go to Rockwood Summit to take the SAT IIs and then chances are she'll not be able to see me anyway.)

Yeah, but if the 10% chance didn't exist, I wouldn't have done it. I do it because there is a chance. Life grants me lucky breaks and second chances all the time.

And yet, I brace myself for a downfall. I won't be distraught.

I still check (on a daily or hourly basis) a couple journals not updated since August or September. Will not somebody lose their mind and give us something to think or write about? It's insanity or randomosity that fuels the net, apparently.

The entire ordeal came and went. Standing at the doorstep of another day, I ask myself, "why?"

I was a-okay. Was a-okay believing she felt the same. And then found out she didn't. Then took the about face and ran with it as far as I could go. Because when she cares, I care just as much or more. I suppose it's a folly, but when things like this don't happen it gives me a satisfaction to know that there's someone out there that I care for this much. So much, that it transcends my own feelings of self and moral. Indeed it is a folly, but the intentions are right.

I'll have to learn to not be so much like this.

I guess.

This whole weekend taught me that my life is changing faster than I can keep up.

I have to grow up. Childhood's over. I wasn't like everyone else until this weekend. Now I fit right in. Watched a movie with friends, went to a football game with some buddies, went to watch the World Series at a friend's house with a ton of people. And an accident that lowered the bar that I once stood at--I really am on most other people's level now, or getting close. I was the exception to the rule and now I'm not so sure. I betrayed myself, I betrayed her. In a sense.

It'd be easier for my life if I'd just picked one and stuck with it, instead of being a flipflop my entire life. Now I'm almost schizo where I can hear myself say both sides of the story and I don't know what ideal to pick. I wouldn't contemplate every single thing if I wasn't like this--or I wouldn't be like this if I didn't contemplate every single thing... If I picked one side of the spectrum and stuck to it, I wouldn't be torn and frustrated with myself.

Gotta grow up. The path forks ahead. Where do I go? One way street. Life contines to move. Eventually, my path will be made clear--that path is dependent on now.

This weekend proved: 1-I have a life. 2-Being an exception to the rule doesn't make you immune--things change.

MIT essay is about my world. How my life and everything in it shapes my dreams, aspirations, and future. This weekend has gotten me to the closest I've ever been to defining that. I'm ready.

Well.

Highlights of the day. Full comboed Can't Stop Fallin' In Love (Speed Mix). Goddamn, you won't believe how happy I was. I've never been well enough (i.e. sleep and healthy) to do something like that in ages. (Yesterday's sleep-in helped.) And I probalby won't be for a long time. And I also beat Rashaad in perfects and by score on Healing Vision Angelic Mix. I beat Rashaad who beat Brenn. This means I'm effectively in the running for being the best player. (Yeah, right. At least, not on only PA or only fast songs [Maxes] or only freestyle. I've rounded my skills.)

Long day, fun day. Eh. I won't go into total detail. Lemme write up a list for me to remember later, though.

• Glenn's 14.
• Rashaad and Cory over for pizza and hanging out during the afternoon before DDRing at the mall.
• Mall. Myles was there. Pat was there--for the first time in forever.
• Music store. Chris (big Chris) is INSANELY good at the piano. It looked like he was using a prerecorded thing, but then we looked and he played some VERY nice stuff on several different pianos. And he showed us the $7000 keyboard in the store, because he has one similar to it. INSANELY good.
• Theater manager. Looks just like Montel, the talkshow host.
• Manager overhears that we said he looked like Montel. Rashaad tells him "I never liked your show anyway." Montel comes back and tells him (in that angry tone) "Go home, son."
• People almost got into fights, almost got kicked out, etc.. Knives, fists, drunk people, fake gothic kids (like 11-14 years old), goth/anarchy posers (who don't really understand anarchy), people smoking outside, people fighting, messing around, talking about how some chick is gonna kill some dude, etc. Stupid fucking drama and shit. It's the usual.
• Brenn's house after the mall, heh. Markivee was cool--not totally insane like last time, but insane like... Cool. Good guy.
• Snow. Insane. I had to drive, and I don't drive bad weather because Mom never lets me. Challenging Mode. Fun.
• Fin.

Anti-highlight of the day is that I decided to go to drop Rashaad off at his house. We spent 40 minutes round-trip. I should've stayed home. I got back and was able to say g'nite to Megan, 2 minutes before she left--she was gonna leave 30 minutes prior, but I got lucky, I guess. She really should've slept early--I wouldn't have minded. I didn't have the time to say anything in particular, nor would it have mattered.

She's taking the ACT tomorrow again. Me, being the rediculous guy I am got a 31 the first and only time I took it, but didn't bother to register for December and didn't realize to register for the February date. (Dude, the deadline was January 1 or something. And I'm totally not intellectual enough over Winter Break to think about it.) Eh... She should've gotten more sleep, I think? that's one thought.

Another thought is that I should've stayed home instead of dropping off Rashaad, because i didn't do anything--Mom drove and Glenn gave directions. Would've spent that time better talking to Meg. *sigh*

The one and only upside to all of this is that I'll see her tomorrow.

I hope she does great on that ACT. She's been preparing for it. I never prepare for anything in my life--and sometimes it shows. I hope she kicks my 31's ass--yes, I'm actually hoping someone does better than me at something. I want it for her.

I'm thinking... Megan might come here around 1-2ish. Then I'll probably pick up Rashaad. We might go up to the Mills and play some Pump. Then we'll head to Tropicana Bowling Lanes for DDR 5th Mix and/or bowling. I'm plotting... But there's no way to plot anything with a schedule like tomorrow's. I was already pre-emptively thinking, maybe I could give her a ride home for a change. Perhaps.

So much DDR. So brilliant--I played my BEST DDR today. Accuracy? I full comboed CSFIL-SM and beat Rashaad in HVAM. Freestyle? You should've seen me lay down Rhythm & Police and Freckles on light.

*sigh* This week's been too long. And I just fucked myself over, I think.

I'm making a 67.1 in German--where a 64 (I think) is where the line is drawn between D and F. I was supposed to do a presentation in International Relations but didn't, and told Snidman that I had family issues, which already exposes a hostile situation which may cause some unnecessary people to concern. I'm afraid of confronting outsiders regarding sitautions that are totally out of their understanding of me. I just don't like it.

But on that note, I told Mom that I think the whole family needs to get hooked up with counseling of sorts. The whole family's been having trouble with Dad, and I've been having trouble with him especially. I know he's especially having grievances with me as I have of him. I just don't want to talk to him directly because he doesn't listen or he'll start arguing again. I want a situation where neither he nor I can escape--have a middleman, a professional (a counselor or such) analyze it all and dictate. Etc.

Boy. This great day. there's no one online 'cept Rashaad now, and I'm too tired from earlier today to do anything. So I best go.

You know how hard it is to code HTML and PHP source on a sheet of paper using pencil? It's hard enough doing it on the computer for most people, lol. (Right click on this page and hit "view source". Imagine typing it all up. Now imagine doing the same on paper.) Anyway, that's what I did with freetime in class today, aside from finishing German homework that I hadn't done. Then again, I also booted up MandrakeMove, which is a Linux distribution that you can boot right from CD without it touching the hard drive, on my workstation in Networking. (Megan's dad and I had a short talk about it a couple weeks ago.) Me, being the l33t h4x0r I am, went into Windows beforehand, wrote down all the network information, and went into Linux and set it up to use the network. Apparantly, even though on Windows you have to log into the Novell network with a username and password, you REALLY don't have to do it. I could get into the network and internet without a login, just with teh network addresses and configuration right. Hah. That amused me. Sorry, I'm such a dork.

Well, here's what I learned today.

• Murphy's Law works. I said at lunch "Nothing can stop me today, I'm on a roll." I'd had a great day. THen, 5th hour German. I ended up getting an abyssmal 13/28 on a quiz we took last firday. lol... Remember me bombing the first German quiz of 2nd quarter? I think these first quizzes have something against me.
• You can hydroplane at 30mph. Let's just leave it at that.
• The Great Gatsby in a nutshell, up to chapter 7.:
  "Yeah, so what's up?"
  
  "I've been sleeping with your wife."

Mmmkay. I'm off to talk to people online, do some homework, and get crackin' on the PHP backending for the blogsite flatfile database system. Good god, does that sound important and advanced... I love the ring to it. really, it just means nothing--don't concern yourself unless you're an utter nerd like me. You've been warned.

I spent the entire day flipping between working on homework and re-writing a blog backend, using flatfiles, so I can easily convert this blog over to an automated one.

I'm insane.

PHP is God for web working. I just realized how much farther I can go past plain HTML.

MD5 Checksum of this page's source (before random quotes and headlines and other random stuff generated):
<?php echo (md5_file($file)); ?>

So far, I've coded it all, not looking at the source of other people's blog scripts. I'm doing this with my own mind and my own resources--looking up stuff on php.net and I used the script for random quotes/mottos (like on this page) for the array idea of the flatfile. I bet NO ONE reading this has any idea what I'm talking about, so I'll go back to coding before I lose my train of thought.

Also, I downloaded another song from Staind's latest album (14 Shades of Gray, I think) and I DEFINITELY think I'm getting this album.

And I also threw in a lot of songs into today's MP3 playlist that I haven't heard in ages--songs from Evanescence, in particular. "Whisper" is a GREAT darkly, gothic-sounding song. I can imagine a Vampire Hunter D or Hellsing video to it, actually. There's nothing like a gothic-esque choir to stir up thoughts of vampires and the estranged.

As much as I like football, I won't be watching The Big Game tonight. At least, I'm not planning to. I might catch some, but whatever.

I even forgot all about it until last night when Megan reminded me. -.-

Thank you to Holly and David (of South Carolina) for making me give up on the NFL Playoffs this year. ;p

Hm. Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, I haven't had more than 3 sodas since last Saturday. That's 8 days and I feel as healthy as ever. (Odd, considering I've also been getting an average less sleep over the week than usual. Then again, I had two extra days off.)

Jumpin' jehosafat yeah.

I remember one of the things I was gonna say last night when I left that post hanging.

The repetitive cycle of life? The pointless ventures of school and vegetating? I'm still here.

I dunno what's changed. Maybe it's just my outlook because I'm like "I'll be out of this hellhole soon enough." Or maybe it's because I've gotten a bit more social? (I used to practically not talk at all in any of my classes. And a life outside school? Yeah right.)

Well, the DDR gave me a social life, more or less. Glenn keeps telling me this.

Story goes: If we--he, rather--wasn't so obsessed with DDR, we wouldn't have gone to the mall as much as we have and we wouldn't have made those friends. (A good bunch, indeed.) If I wasn't bitching about playing DDR when I was talking to Ryan Rick at MSA, Megan wouldn't have overheard me that first time. (Though I doubt that has ANYTHING to do wih anything, it's a good coincidence that I remember that's EXACTLY where we met--I was talking DDR, baby.) According to Glenn, I owe my entire life's turnaround for last year to DDR.

I kinda believed it until I thougth about... My car. Fool. THat's where it's at, baby.

-----

My life's pretty much in a situation that's the same as last year's. Same reptition and whatnot. I've just found myself dealing with it more. Maybe it's because I've got people to talk to who can relate, or maybe it's just because of those minute differences.

In 2002, I opened a site up called "Detached Empathy," a blog of sorts. Didn't expect anyone to read it--actually, I didn't want people reading it at first. Then I kinda eased into being comfortable with letting other people read my venting out--thanks to MSA killing a few shyness cells--and I blatantly advertised the site (then renamed "Vagrant") since then. I don't remember why I started. It sounded like a trendy thing to do, I guess. And when I realized I could spill my mind out without anyone in particular looking or caring or anything, that's where the real deal started coming through.

-----

Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs at random at school. I'm glad I'm too shy to seriously give it another thought.

I just woke up. My brain's not prone to advanced thinking within 10 minutes of conciousness.

Let's get some food. Breakfast... Lunch... whatever the hell you call it. At 1:30pm. yeah.

Hm... Yeah, "I'll go to sleep soon." -.-

I'm Mr. Idiot.

Kill me.

-----

Something I've been considering is driving out somewhere with Megan one of these weekends. Do something unconventional for once. But where to? I'll figure it out sometime. I dunno. Random idea I wanted to jot down before heading to bed, knowing I'd totally lose it for good if I didn't.

Another thing to jot down is a cleaner, more automated blog, except not using MySQL. Use a base template like this and have it output to the current XHTML setup:

Date/time
Location
Title
Body

Something ending up like this:

<post>datetime, 2004-02-01T04:01-06:00
location, Home
title, blah blah

blah blah blah
blah blah blah</post>

PHP-based, text-files to edit and stuff, easier than total hand-coding.

Figure out a cheap way to separate posts where there won't be any errors due to typos or me actually using the split string in a post. (I know I use ----- or variants a bit. I want somethign I can't accidentally use in the middle of a post.) Edit: figured it out, edited post... Thoguh idea needs work. XML-based, maybe?

Also, clean up blog code more. DId some of that tonight, but want to streamline it a bit more.

Bah. I better be sound asleep in 10 minutes. Kill me if I'm not.